1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,336
And, uh,
with this remote control
2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,171
you punch in your code numbers.
3
00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,777
Then the people log goes on
4
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,113
and it records
who's watching what.
5
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,447
You see, from this data
6
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,616
you know,
we determine our ratings.
7
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,018
[glass breaking]
8
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,522
Cat.
9
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,524
[crashing]
10
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:28,727
Big cat.
11
00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:31,697
[loud crash]
12
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,467
Dead cat.
13
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,170
Uh, yeah, well, um
if you have any questions
14
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,805
uh, just call the office
15
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,240
and, uh, ask for Louie.
16
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,375
Oh, I-I thought
your name was Ron.
17
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,077
It is.
18
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,051
Is he gone?
19
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,852
Yes, he..
20
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,821
What were you doing in there?
21
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,856
Looking for tomato paste.
22
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,725
I broke a tomato.
23
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,528
Hey, what's that?
24
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:05,164
A hook-up
for the shopping network?
25
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,565
It's a, it's a people log.
26
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,600
We've been asked
to become a Thompson family.
27
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,671
You're changing
your name to Thompson?
28
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,240
I just learned
how to spell "Tanner."
29
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,943
We're not changing our name.
30
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:21,113
ALF, this is
a Thompson people log.
31
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:24,183
It measures what we watch on TV.
32
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:27,352
Great! Now I'll finally
find out who's taller.
33
00:01:27,354 --> 00:01:29,755
Me or Michael J. Fox.
34
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,259
[theme music]
35
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:58,117
[music continues]
36
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,221
[instrumental music]
37
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,693
Explain how television ratings
work, will you, Willie?
38
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:46,632
Well, uh, ratings are designed
primarily for advertisers
39
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,434
you know, in order to assist
them in their own in-the-house
40
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,770
research, they require certain
demogra--
41
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,705
Never mind!
42
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,975
Okay, now,
every time we watch TV
43
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,610
we have to log in.
44
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,046
Now, does everybody
know their code numbers?
45
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,948
- Three.
- Two.
46
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,883
- Four.
- One.
47
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,451
Wrong.
48
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:07,986
Twelve.
49
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:09,621
Wrong again.
50
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,291
Kate, if you make me
guess every number there is
51
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,359
we could be here for hours.
52
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,661
ALF, that's not the point.
53
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,629
I think what Kate
is trying to say--
54
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:20,132
I know what Kate
is trying to say!
55
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,267
I'm an alien, not a foreigner.
56
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:26,071
Okay. I can't have a number.
57
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,973
Give me a letter.
58
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,242
N-O.
59
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:32,578
That's two letters.
60
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,479
Just try to understand, ALF.
61
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:38,817
The operative word
in "People log" is "People."
62
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,652
One of which, you are..
63
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,655
...not...one.
64
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,090
That's cruel.
65
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,059
Not to mention
poorly constructed
66
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:48,961
from a grammatical standpoint.
67
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,331
ALF, we just don't think
that the ratings people
68
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,000
are interested in..
69
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,902
...viewers from outer space.
70
00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,738
In other words,
the operative word
71
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,442
in "Thompson family"
is "Family."
72
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,111
One of which, I am not..
73
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:09,348
...part of...this one.
74
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,517
- You're one of the family, ALF.
- Oh, sure.
75
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:15,520
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger
is one of the Kennedys.
76
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,358
Why can't ALF have a number?
77
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,193
He watches TV all the time.
78
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:22,394
And the man
did say that everyone
79
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,263
who watches should log in.
80
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,798
See? They're on my side.
81
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,368
You know, Willie,
maybe ALF should have a number.
82
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,869
I mean, we do
have a responsibility
83
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:34,439
to give them all the data
as accurately as possible.
84
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:38,710
Yeah, and I love pushing
these little silver buttons.
85
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,913
Alright, ALF,
you're number five.
86
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,448
Just don't break that thing.
87
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,618
Kate, Katie, Kate o' nine tails
88
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,787
have I ever broken anything?
89
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,457
Well, lately?
90
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,560
This week?
91
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,330
Today?
92
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,067
Since lunch?
93
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,303
[instrumental music]
94
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,744
(woman on TV)
'Coming up next,
"The MacNeil-Lehrer report."'
95
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:16,481
'But first, weather maps
of developing nations..'
96
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,984
Why aren't we watching
"The Love Connection?"
97
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,420
We're waiting
for the "MacNeil-Lehrer Report."
98
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,522
Well, la-dee-dah.
99
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,424
(woman on TV)
'...598.'
100
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,592
I thought the popcorn popper
was broken.
101
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:30,862
It is. I popped this
with your curling iron.
102
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,934
I won't ask how you
melted the butter.
103
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,703
Hot comb.
104
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,274
You know, I thought
the whole point
105
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,109
of this ratings hoo-hah
106
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:47,612
was to find out
what people really watch.
107
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,482
Well, we really
watch MacNeil and Lehrer.
108
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:54,052
Oh, yeah? Describe them to me.
109
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,121
Well..
110
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,890
...they wear neckties.
111
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,459
And..
112
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:03,128
...and they speak
in well-modulated voices.
113
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,296
[knock on door]
114
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:05,864
(Trevor)
'Yo, Tanners!'
115
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,299
'It's me, Trevor!'
116
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:11,069
Speaking of
"well-modulated voices."
117
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,972
Um, just-just a minute, Trevor.
118
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,374
ALF, go into the kitchen.
119
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:18,176
"Go into the kitchen.
Go into the kitchen."
120
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:20,479
As a woman,
you should be sensitive
121
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,248
to the demeaning undertones
in that remark.
122
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:25,317
Now!
123
00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:27,486
You're betraying your sisters.
124
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,492
Hey, Willie. How's it goin'?
125
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,726
- Hello.
- Hi, Kate.
126
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,862
- Hi, Trevor.
- I was..
127
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,497
Hey.
128
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,765
Is this one
of those box-things
129
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,500
that lets you steal cable?
130
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,101
No, of course it's not.
131
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,503
No, we've been asked
to become one of those
132
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,171
TV ratings families.
133
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,073
- No kiddin'.
- Yeah.
134
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,508
Well, that figures.
135
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,076
You got your two adults
136
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,678
you-you got your two kids,
you got your cat.
137
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,281
'You got your average height.'
138
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,750
You're the prototypical
American family.
139
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,520
Too bad this rating stuff's
a crock.
140
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,921
Well, why do you say that?
141
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,124
Because the best programs
always come in last.
142
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,260
Now, case in point..
143
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,728
"Here's Lucy Again."
144
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,764
You know the one where she moves
back in with her mother?
145
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,067
Who could play Lucy's mother?
146
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,537
I think they used
a fried wig on a stick.
147
00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:23,975
And then there's that other
program that's on right now..
148
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,544
"Polka Jamboree."
149
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,913
It's like a Slavic "Soul Train."
150
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:30,248
Here. Dig.
151
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,883
[instrumental music on TV]
152
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:34,453
[Trevor humming]
153
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,962
No. No, no, Trevor.
Uh, uh, we'll tune in later.
154
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,497
Right now,
we wanted to check out
155
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:48,633
the, uh, rainfall in Sri Lanka.
156
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,068
Going on a picnic?
157
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,071
Trevor..
158
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,440
...uh, w-was there
something you wanted?
159
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,075
Oh, yeah. Heh.
160
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,244
Could you turn on our sprinklers
while we're gone?
161
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,346
Raquel and I are taking a trip
to the big apple.
162
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,081
Oh, New York.
163
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,749
No, Washington state.
164
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:08,086
Some farmer up there grew
an 80-pound golden delicious.
165
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,357
Well, sure, we'll be happy
to water the yard, Trevor.
166
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,092
Where's the control?
167
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,160
I don't have one.
168
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,662
I just hook up
my hose to your spigot.
169
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,998
Well, I should
have no problem, then.
170
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,466
I never do.
171
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,934
See you in a month.
172
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,008
"Polka Jamboree!"
Turn on "Polka Jamboree!"
173
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,678
Oh, why would you wanna watch
"Polka Jamboree?"
174
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,648
They're playing
"Cat Barrel Polka."
175
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,318
That's "Beer Barrel Polka,"
I believe.
176
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,954
They put beer in barrels?
177
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,056
Well, they take
the cats out first.
178
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,860
Makes sense.
179
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,866
[instrumental music on TV]
180
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,037
We're here in the office
of NBC entertainment president
181
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,140
Brandon Tartikoff, talking
about the new rating system.
182
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,475
Oh, boy.
183
00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:06,878
Brandon, what effect will
the new people log system
184
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,414
have on rating trends
as we know them?
185
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,983
Well, research
indicates, that, uh
186
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,687
younger viewers will be up,
older viewers will be down.
187
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,323
Females will be down,
males will be up.
188
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,158
Daytime down, late night up.
189
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,760
Large audience shows
190
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,495
while they'll still
have a large audience
191
00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:25,730
may find
their audiences smaller.
192
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,567
Smaller audience shows
will have a larger audience.
193
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,268
Relatively speaking, of course.
194
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,203
But the most consistent
aspect will be
195
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:35,206
the total lack
of ratings consistency.
196
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,742
Which is, strangely enough
consistent with
197
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,580
what we've found to be
an overall...inconsistency.
198
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,449
If there's a quiz later,
I'm sunk.
199
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,751
I see one of the other networks
is throwing a couple of
200
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,887
new shows
at your Thursday night line up.
201
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,855
Uh, I believe
it's "Polka Jamboree"
202
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,691
and "Here's Lucy Again."
203
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:55,527
"Lucy" is always formidable
204
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,128
but we expect to do well.
205
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,530
As for "Polka Jamboree"
206
00:09:58,532 --> 00:09:59,864
well, that was
offered to me first
207
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:02,200
and frankly, I passed.
208
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:05,937
Time's up already? Wow. Okay.
Brandon, thank you very much.
209
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,206
We'd like to thank
our guests, Brandon Tartikoff
210
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:11,977
and Spuds Mackenzie.
We'll see you next week.
211
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:15,246
(man on TV)
'Oh-ho-ho! We're admitting it!'
We're insane!'
212
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,949
'And we eat spiders, but
you have to be insane to eat'
213
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,585
'spiders, right?
Oh, we're not dangerous!'
214
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:24,823
Then why do they have you
in that straitjacket? Ha! Ha!
215
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:29,561
(man on TV)
'So don't be afraid to visit our
used-car emporium! Ask for..'
216
00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:32,063
Hey! I wanted to watch
Crazy Steve
217
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,733
tear a drumstick off
that tarantula.
218
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:39,137
It's 3 o'clock
in the morning, ALF.
219
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,973
Well, what's time
to a spider, Willie?
220
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,410
Why is the TV in here?
221
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:48,446
'Cause I couldn't move
the refrigerator out there.
222
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,981
Don't touch that dial.
223
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,752
I love when you're assertive.
224
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,856
Go. Sleep. Now.
225
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:01,326
Well, can I just
ask one bedtime question?
226
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,862
Yeah, what?
227
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:07,098
I saw that
"Polka Jamboree" tonight.
228
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,134
It's really funny.
229
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:12,270
Why does it get
such crummy ratings?
230
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,639
For one thing..
231
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,675
...it's not
supposed to be funny.
232
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,346
What's the other thing?
233
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,014
Nobody watches it.
234
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,016
Next question.
235
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,351
I thought there was gonna be
236
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,286
one question here.
237
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,455
This is the bonus round.
238
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,725
What happens to a show
when it's ratings are bad?
239
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,393
It gets cancelled.
240
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,796
[gasps]
241
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:42,167
You mean, "Polka Jamboree"
could be cancelled?
242
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:45,537
We can only hope.
Goodnight, ALF.
243
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,805
Well, wait, wait!
244
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:50,642
If-if more people
watched "Polka Jamboree"
245
00:11:50,644 --> 00:11:52,644
the ratings would go up, right?
246
00:11:52,646 --> 00:11:54,679
Yes, but that..
247
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,881
...would take a miracle.
248
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,685
A miracle, huh?
249
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:03,054
Well, just call me
the miracle worker.
250
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,925
[instrumental music]
251
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,754
[no dialog]
252
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,260
[instrumental music on TV]
253
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,865
I can't believe you
and Mr. Ochmonek like this show.
254
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,299
It's so corny.
255
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:52,303
Well, one man's corn
is another man's pot roast.
256
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:56,274
With gravy and mashed potatoes.
Oh, Kate?
257
00:12:56,276 --> 00:13:00,745
Kitchen is closed, and
please, turn that program off.
258
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:03,615
Gee. Talk about a one-two punch.
259
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:06,551
Should I stop breathing, too?
260
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,386
Oh, let him watch it, Kate.
261
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,655
That show is so bad
262
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,758
it'll be off the air soon,
anyway.
263
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,593
Shows what you know.
264
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,061
Well, what does that mean?
265
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:19,430
Well, it means
your previous statement
266
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:20,832
reflected the sum total
267
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,934
of your knowledge
on this subject.
268
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:26,571
Oh, thank you.
Noah Webster.
269
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,840
"Noah" problem.
270
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,811
[applause on TV]
271
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,348
Thank you, thank you,
all my wonderful friends
272
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,083
out in polka land.
273
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,685
(ALF)
'Willie, can I
have an accordion?'
274
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:41,753
(Willie)
'No.'
275
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:43,421
I have an announcement to make.
276
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,690
A dream of ours here
at "Polka Jamboree"
277
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,258
has finally come true.
278
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,961
According to the latest
Thompson rating
279
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,597
our show came in number one.
280
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:53,965
[applause]
281
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,167
I did it! I did it!
282
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,271
I mean, uh..
283
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,441
Gee, how do you
suppose that happened?
284
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,877
[instrumental music]
285
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,815
[instrumental music on TV]
286
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:13,484
How did you make
"Polka Jamboree"
287
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,954
come in first in the ratings?
288
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,790
What makes you think it was me?
289
00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:21,826
In nine cases
out of ten, it's you.
290
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,962
Well, maybe
this is that tenth case.
291
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:27,498
- Is it?
- No.
292
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,367
What have you done?
293
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:33,404
Well, remember
that night last week
294
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,140
when you told me
to rig the ratings?
295
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,743
I never told you
to rig the ratings.
296
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,145
You didn't tell me not to.
297
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:44,015
You rigged the ratings?
298
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:47,151
Well, actually,
I hastened the inevitable.
299
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,555
"Polka Jamboree"
was ready to explode.
300
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,824
And you lit the fuse.
301
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:56,194
I called a few people
and encouraged them to watch.
302
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,428
A few?
303
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,465
Could you ask him?
304
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,002
How many people did you call?
305
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,438
A thousand.
Give or take a thousand.
306
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,174
And you say I use
the phone too much.
307
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:13,611
Hey, don't worry.
I did it during off-peak hours.
308
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,513
2:00 to 6:00 a.m.
309
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:19,751
And nothing outside
the 48 contiguous states.
310
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,519
How considerate.
311
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,788
Hey, my way of saying
312
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,623
"I know we're on a budget."
313
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,693
A thousand phone calls.
314
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,895
Give or take a thousand.
315
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,563
But you know, even 2000 people
316
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:35,133
wouldn't increase
the ratings that much.
317
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,367
Aha!
318
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,903
Unless they were
each given a number
319
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,739
and logged into
the Thompson rating system.
320
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:46,377
But how-how did you get
the figures into their system?
321
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,946
Aha!
322
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,714
I hooked the ratings box
323
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,550
to the transmission
on my spaceship.
324
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,619
Then I shifted into sideways.
325
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,923
I'm ready to talk
about those phone calls, now.
326
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:01,793
Aha! We're past
that point, Willie.
327
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,996
Aha! No, we're not!
328
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,100
Aha.
329
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:12,236
ALF, what you did was illegal.
330
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:15,406
Oh, like I've been to law school
and would know that.
331
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,343
What you did was wrong, ALF.
332
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,944
Do you understand "Wrong?"
333
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:22,447
Wr.. The opposite of right.
Wrong.
334
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,048
Wrong!
335
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,085
Wrong.
336
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:33,491
Oh, ALF.
ALF, you bad, bad, bad jerk.
337
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,960
You loveable,
huggable, adorable jerk.
338
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,062
But bad, nonetheless.
339
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,431
[instrumental music]
340
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,636
[stammering]
Well, uh, what can I say, uh,
Mr. Welch, I really
341
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,706
I don't, I don't,
I don't have an explanation.
342
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,342
Yes, sir, I realize,
I understand, I turned down
343
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,144
uh, "Polka Jamboree"
in the first place
344
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,646
but let me assure you, sir,
that I..
345
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,515
Hello? Hello?
346
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,186
(female
'Mr. Cosby on line one.'
347
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:06,357
[sighs]
348
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,594
Hi Bill.
How are you?
349
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:14,232
Great episode last week
when Theo lost his comb.
350
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:16,601
I never, ever
thought he'd find it.
351
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,405
The ratings.
352
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:25,476
Yeah. Talk about a shock, huh?
353
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:28,379
Well, we knew we couldn't
be number one forever, right?
354
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,448
By the way, can you
play the accordion?
355
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:34,519
Sorry, just a thought.
356
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:37,422
You bet I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.
357
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,490
And, Bill, thanks for
the Jell-O.
358
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,060
[buzz]
359
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,497
- Yes, sir?
- Send out a memo, Barbara.
360
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,233
I wanna develop
three new shows.
361
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,002
"Polka Train"
362
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:53,504
"The Days and Nights
of Molly Polka"
363
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,740
and something
with McLean Stevenson.
364
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,141
Right away.
365
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,681
What are you guys doing?
366
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,049
We'll work quietly.
367
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:06,851
Does this wastebasket go?
368
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,352
Does it have a peacock on it?
369
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,188
- Yeah.
- Leave it.
370
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,724
How about the, uh,
name plate on the door?
371
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:14,792
Take it.
372
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,462
Hey, wait a minute.
373
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,932
This is the guy who turned down
"Polka Jamboree."
374
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,234
That's why we're moving him out.
375
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,735
How about the lamp over here?
376
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:27,605
Mm-hmm. His new office
is too small.
377
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,076
Excuse me, sir,
you have calls waiting from, uh
378
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:34,045
"60 Minutes,"
"The National Enquirer"
379
00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,280
and some guy named ALF.
380
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:39,050
I'll call them back
when I get a new extension.
381
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,785
If I get a new extension.
382
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,554
Uh, this ALF guy says
383
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,124
he's the one responsible
for the ratings.
384
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:49,560
- What line?
- Two.
385
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:53,731
Oh, and it was very nice
working for you, sir.
386
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,801
- I'm not out of here yet.
- Yeah, right.
387
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,107
Hello?
388
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:06,110
Are you the guy in charge?
389
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:10,248
Um...talk fast.
390
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,316
I called to say I'm sorry.
391
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:16,020
I hope people don't lose their
jobs over this
392
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,689
Polka-get thing.
393
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,691
Yeah. Me too.
394
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,495
Well, they shouldn't.
395
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:28,366
- This whole thing is my fault.
- What?
396
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,536
See, I didn't want
"Polka Jamboree" cancelled
397
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:35,540
so I called a thousand people,
give or take a thousand
398
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:38,776
and then I hooked up
my transmission to the TV box
399
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:42,213
and shifted into sideways.
400
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:45,283
This is the "Letterman Show,"
isn't it?
401
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,018
No, it's ALF.
402
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,620
Listen, as long
as I've got you on the phone..
403
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,956
...can I pitch a wacky idea?
404
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,691
Why not?
405
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,997
Okay, now open mind.
406
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,400
Ordinary family, living a normal
407
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:05,002
boring,
suburban existence, right?
408
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:06,304
(Brandon)
'Yeah.'
409
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,140
All of a sudden,
from out of nowhere
410
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:12,210
this spaceship crashes
into their garage, see?
411
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:14,212
- Spaceship?
- 'Yeah, yeah!'
412
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,081
And this loveable, huggable
413
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,584
adorable alien comes out.
414
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:23,287
Not in a million years, pal.
It's...too far-fetched.
415
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:28,659
[instrumental music]
416
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,268
So, um, what made you
change your mind
417
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:40,171
about being a Thompson family?
418
00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:42,740
- Our cat.
- Big dead one.
419
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,844
He, uh, kept fooling around
with the buttons.
420
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:50,748
You sure that Louie wasn't
at the office when you called?
421
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,017
[chuckles]
It's his day off.
422
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:55,353
[chuckles]
Fine.
423
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,855
Uh, just out of curiosity, uh..
424
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:02,360
Who, uh, chose you
as the typical American family?
425
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:05,263
- Computer error.
- Had to be.
426
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,538
Where does he get off saying
427
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:16,674
we're not a typical
American family?
428
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:21,545
Have you looked
in a mirror, lately?
429
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:25,216
Hey, think of me
as the son you never had.
430
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:27,418
We have a son.
431
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:31,389
Well, think of me as the son
you never wanted.
432
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,391
Well, son..
433
00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:36,227
...at least we don't have to
worry about "Polka Jamboree"
434
00:21:36,229 --> 00:21:37,895
being number one anymore.
435
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,564
Shows how much you know.
436
00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:42,600
Enlighten me.
437
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:44,235
Now!
438
00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:48,239
Well, I started a perfectly
legal letter-writing campaign
439
00:21:48,241 --> 00:21:50,174
to save the show.
440
00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:53,944
Uh, incidentally, next time
you're at the post office
441
00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:56,881
would you pick me up
150 million stamps?
442
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:01,052
[instrumental music]
443
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,159
"Call number 462, 12 minutes"
444
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,127
to West Springfield,
Massachusetts."
445
00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:12,029
Guilty.
446
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:16,634
"Call number 463, seven minutes
to Lansing, Michigan."
447
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:20,504
- Mea culpa.
- Call number 464--
448
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:23,708
- This is boring, Willie!
- I'm sorry, ALF.
449
00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:25,943
Maybe I should sing them to you.
450
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:28,679
Maybe that would be
more entertaining.
451
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:32,049
Yeah! Yeah. I love the way
your voice cracks
452
00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:35,286
on those high notes.
453
00:22:35,288 --> 00:22:37,488
I'm doing this
to make a point, ALF.
454
00:22:37,490 --> 00:22:40,791
When you've done
something really bad..
455
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,194
...then it's important
that you learn from it.
456
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:45,963
And maybe next time you'll be
able to use better judgment.
457
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:49,567
- Won't that be nice!
- Yeah, real nice.
458
00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:52,970
Go back to the phone bill.
459
00:22:52,972 --> 00:22:55,373
"Call number 464..
460
00:22:56,676 --> 00:22:59,477
...fourteen minutes
to Bristol, Connecticut."
461
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:00,845
[accordion music]
462
00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:02,480
"Call number.."
463
00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:19,430
"Call number 465
464
00:23:19,432 --> 00:23:22,433
"twelve minutes
to Portsmouth, Virginia.
465
00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:24,402
"Call number 466
466
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:28,239
'"nineteen minutes
to Paola, Kansas.'
467
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:30,408
'Call number 467.."'
468
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:34,845
[theme music]
469
00:24:00,907 --> 00:24:02,940
[ALF laughing]